dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
