I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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