well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
