Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
