Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
