Already got asked if we're dating
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
