I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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