So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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