No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
