I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
