Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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