so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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