I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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