Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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