I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
