The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
