the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am spending my child support on dildos
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
