You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
