I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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