All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am midnight drunk by noon
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
