No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
