saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
