i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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