Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
