hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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