shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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