Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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