So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
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This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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