what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
