oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
