Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
