how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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