The brown eye won't let me do that either.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sext me about skeletons
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
