I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
