Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
