Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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