Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
