the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
