nut hugger
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
