Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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