Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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