fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
