every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
