Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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