I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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