Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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