Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
