He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
