Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
