Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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