idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the condom got lost in my hair
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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