Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
