so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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