i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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